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Jokes
Q: What are the two questions
you hear most from the passenger in your
MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot
Q: What's the difference between a
classic Jag owner and a classic MG owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER
he's been for a pee, and the MG owner...
- Richard Gosling
Little Billy and his Dad were down at the
autocross watching the Midgets zipping
through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad,
when I grow up, I want to be a Midget
driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't
do both, son."
- Ree G.
For those of you who have never had the
pleasure of owning a British car, but want to
know what it's like: Next big rainstorm,
wait till dark, roll down all windows,l eave off
lights & heater and go for a drive. Stop at
every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar
bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real
close.
- Mike Nash
I pulled into a garage with my newly
purchased bugeye and politly asked "Have you got
a windscreen wiper blade for my car"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal
to me mate.
- Kevin Cox
An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a
traffic light.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked
the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG
driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls
driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a
double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same
MG, parked on the side of the road with its back
windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The
arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the
Rolls and banged on the MG's rear window. "I
want you to know that I've had a double bed
installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned
at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the
shower to tell me that?"
A man was driving down a country road
in the middle of dairy farm country when his car
stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the
hood to see if he could find out what had
happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered
from the field she had been grazing in over to
the car and stuck her head under the hood beside
the man. After a moment the cow looked at the
man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to
me." Then she walked back into the field and
began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he
had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey,
mister, is that your cow in the field?" he
asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white
one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said,
"Well my car's broken down, and she just said,
'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The
farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old
Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about
cars."
-Sue Hunneybell
Q: What do you call an Triumph with
dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
-Philip Payne
Q: How do you double the value of a
MG?
A: Fill it up with gas!
-Paul Helsby
The Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard
his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"
Five surgeons are taking a coffee
break...
1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to
operate on because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical
order."
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything
inside THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're
heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads
and their butts are interchangeable."
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to
the conversation: "I like British car
restorers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
-Tom Broberg
Why do the British drink warm beer?
Because the all have Lucus refrigerators.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said
"help wanted." There was another sign below it
that said "self service." So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a
raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
-Stephen Wright (the comedian)
I have a map of the United States,
life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a
b***h to fold it.
-Stephen Wright
Q: When does a man open the door of the car
for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
A2.When he has a new wife.
Q: Know why the British don't make
computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them
leak oil!
-Bill Hancock
If Microsoft Built Cars...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment
by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you
want car that crashed twice a day?"
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the
road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the
freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would
cause your car to stop and fail and you would
have to re-install the engine. For some strange
reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at
a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT".
But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered
by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast,
twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5
percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive
Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would
make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car
default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the
same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?"
before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would
have no idea what happened.
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True
Stories
Sunny day, out in the driveway.
I had just replaced the turn signal switch in my
'74 MGB, and the Phillips head was handy. Idly
tightening the carpet screws, listening to NPR.
Suddenly notice that one of the screws is
glowing red, and the carpet is melting around
it. Hmm. This is different.
Look under the car, and see a ball of flame.
Grab the garden hose and blast it; it goes out
for a moment, then starts again. Getting
concerned now.
Gotta find a screwdriver and get the battery
box open. Argh! Top's down, where's the shorty?
Blast the fireball again. Tick-tock. Where's the
!@#$% half-inch open end? Blast again.
Tick-tock. Disconnect the battery, blast again;
this time, no more fire. Whew.
Upon calmer inspection, it appears that the
Abingdon engineers thought it was a good idea to
run the main battery cable 1/16" from the fuel
line. The optimal location for one of the
replacement-carpet screws happens to be right
between the two. Fifteen years after
restoration, the bomb finally went off.
Useful tip: make sure you check under the car
if you replace the carpets; and always keep a
short screwdriver and 1/2" wrench in the
console!
-Dan Meenan
This is a true story about my weekend,
a weekend like most others 'cause it was dull,
but relaxing until I tried to make that four
hour 240 mile drive back to school. Around mile
195 I smelled something that smelled like gun
powder, but I didn't think anything about it,
except that it was strange. I kept driving and
my eyes started watering and I started coughing
spastically. I looked in my rearview mirror and
the whole back of my car was engulfed in smoke.
I was horrified. I immediately pulled
over(nearly getting hit by a semi) to see what
was wrong. I traced the problem to an area right
behind the driver's seat between the outer frame
and the inner panel under the window. I tried
and tried to put it out but to no avail. So
finally I decided that I had to make a break for
it. I knew there were little towns strewn all
along this interstate so I drover my car which
was still on fire in excess of 100 miles an hour
to a town that was 5 miles away to find out that
the nearest gas station was 10 miles away.
I hit the off-ramp doing 85. I slide around a
stop sign and just about every other turn
praying that another car wouldn't be coming
around that same turn at the same time. I nearly
hit two cars on my way to the station. I get to
the station and one of the people that I almost
hit decided to give me a piece of his mind, when
I explained to him what the problem was, he was
one of the first to help me. I went inside to
get a fire extinguisher but that didn't help
any. The guy proceeded to rip apart my panel,
which was mostly melted by now, to find the
fire. when he got the panel open he found that
there was foam down inside the panel smoldering
with red hot embers. He reached down bare handed
and yanked them out. How did it start you might
ask?
Well I went to light a cigarrette with the
lighter that comes installed in the car and some
of the cigarrette stuck to the lighter, this has
happened to me before, and I just put my arm
outside and beat it against the side of the car.
Somehow a spark came back inside and got deep
inside my car and made a nest. Needless to say I
have quit smoking. I told my dad about it and he
said, "Boy, we've been telling you for years
that smokin' a kill ya" I said "ya dad, but I
was thinkin' more along the long term." We both
got a good laugh out of it.
-Jana Cochrane
I was working a summer job in high
school at a carpet installation shop. Being
the bottom of the totem pole, I was the one who
did the tasks that others didn't want to,
pulling up tile in public restrooms, carrying
wet carpet to the dumpster, etc. (The job was my
dad's idea. He though having the worst job
possible in high school made going to college
more appealing). Anyway, The boss' car battery
was low and he asked me to jump it from the
company van. The (older) guys in the shop gave
me that jumper cables and I proceeded to jump it
off. Smoke and fire everywhere!!! The cable had
a quick connect in the middle for what reason I
can't begin to imagine and the guys had switched
the connections. Catching the boss' car on fire
is not good!!! Lucky I put it out before it did
much more than melt the top of the battery.
- John Goethert
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a
pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of
a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a
curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an
airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of
car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab
finally figured out what it was and what
happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten
hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off --
actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to
give heavy military transport planes an extra
"push" for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of
road. (Not long enough.) Then he attached the
JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some
speed and fired off the JATO ! The facts as best
as could be determined are that the operator of
the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance
of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.
This was established by the prominent scorched
and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing
the Chevy to reach a speed well in excess of 350
mph and continuing at full power for an
additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be
pilot, most likely would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14
jocks under full afterburners, basically causing
him to become insignificant for the remainder of
the event. However, the automobile remained on
the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20
seconds) before the driver applied and
completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires
and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface. He, then, became airborne for an
additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff face
at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the
driver's remains were not recoverable; however,
small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater and fingernail and
bone chards were removed from a piece of debris
believed to be a portion of the steering
wheel.
NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an
'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust
'till the fuel is all gone.
- July newsletter (year ?) of the Oregon
Region SCCA
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Misc.
Humor
 
from March 67 Sports Car
Graphic
from Christian Science Monitor, artist's name is
Bennett
Valentine's LBC Poem
Roses are red,
Midgets are green.
Keep telling yourself,
It's just a machine!
-David F. Darby
"Top Ten Reasons It's Time For A New
Convertible Top" (with apologies to Dave
Letterman):
#10. Calling your convertible a
"ragtop" is more reality than slang.
#9. You're cruising down the highway with
the wind in your hair and the warm sun on
your shoulders-- with THE TOP UP!
#8. You couldn't see or hear the police
cruiser--you know, the one with flashing
lights that's been behind you for the last 3
miles.
#7. The weather forecast inside your car
is at least as bad as that for the outside
world.
#6. Your spouse is getting suspicious
because you keep a half dozen towels in your
car.
#5. Your insurance company refuses to
insure you against pneumonia.
#4. You would order a new top, but you
can't tell what color the old one was.
#3. When it's raining, you avoid hitting
the brakes because the puddle under the seat
soaks your pant legs.
#2. Neighborhood cats won't walk on your
top for fear of falling through.
And the #1 reason it's time for a new top:
You're running out of duct tape!
-unknown sender
You Might be a Redneck if...
you go to a Stockcar Race and don't
need a program.
less than half the cars you own run.
you know how many bales of hay your car will
hold.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side
window.
you have to recrank your car at every
intersection.
you've ever ridden all the way to Florida
with your bare feet out of the car
window.
you view duct tape as a long term
investment.
you've ever hit a bump on the highway and
lost half your worldly possessions.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide
as the front ones.
hitchhikers won't get into the car with
you.
the front license plate on your car has the
words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
you buy a color-coordinated rope to down your
car hood (bonnet).
you think a Volvo is part of a woman's
anatomy.
you have grease under your toenails.
after removing the empty beer cans from your
car and you get 15 more miles per gallon.
after love making you have to ask your date
to roll down the window.
from Jeff Foxworthy's
comedy act. For those that don't know, a
redneck is an ignorant, country
person
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If is wasn't for MG
Our tools would be rust.
bumper sticker: "All the parts falling
off this car are of the finest British
Workmanship"
Rearranging the letters of 'British
Leyland' gives: Indelibly trash
Some days you are the bug, some days
you are the windshield.
My Midget does not leak... it is just
marking its territory!
Why is the MGBGT rear shaped like that?
So it can slide through hedgerows
easier.
If one or more of these is true,
unfortunately, you are driving a MG
You look in your rear-view mirror to see two
people with their hands on your bumper.
You constantly receive sympathy cards from the
Department of Transportation.
When you are walking across the parking lot, you
see a priest performing last rights on your
car.
While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists
offer to help push to get you started again.
You have preferred customer status at Pep Boys
Auto Parts.
You have to stop along side the road at least
once a day to pick up parts that have fallen
off.
You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20
bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that
someone will steal your car.
When you drive though town, people stop what
they are doing and just start laughing.
In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of
running shoes.
Now We Know: Why SUVs Have Four-Wheel
Drive
(a letter originally sent to Car
Talk)
Dear Click and Clack,
The obvious purpose of a huge, powerful, sport
utility vehicle is to enable one person to
commute to work, with no passengers, and
tailgate small cars that are poking along the
freeway at 75 miles an hour. For a long time, I
have wondered why this function requires
four-wheel drive. I think I have the answer. As
an SUV rolls over the crushed carcass of a
Toyota Tercel or Honda Civic sedan, the
high-gloss enamel used on these vehicles
presents an unsafe driving surface, jeopardizing
the safety of the SUV driver. To help overcome
his disadvantage, the SUV driver can slam that
baby into four-wheel drive and pray that one
wheel is on terra firma. Lobbyists no doubt
prevent the outright ban of sedans but can't
consumer advocates reduce the menace by pressing
for the use of high-traction paint on small
cars? What do you think?
Thank you. Gilbert J. Simon, Milpitas,
CA
Top 12 Things NOT to say to a Cop.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold
my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village
People?
4. Hey, you must have been goin' about 125 mph
to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in surprisingly good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are
you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last
officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay,
just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there are no other cars around. That's how
far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officers says "Gee Son.... Your
eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You
probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?
Oil Changing Instructions
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and
leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check
for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter),
hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back
yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look
for jack stands.
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink
it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use
crescent wrench.
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent
wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on
you.
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another
beer while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips
screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a
big splash.
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with
him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil
spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter
gasket. Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there
somewhere.
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain
plug.
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step
23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on
the floor.
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles
on frame.
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin
cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss
additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up.
Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally
crush one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty
litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap
and one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag
(step 31).
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check
oil level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of
oil and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn
arm on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in
another quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to
O'Reilly's while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil
filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement.
Stock up on beer while there since it's almost
time for a spark plug change.
-Larry McCartt
Visit Trevor Bricey's wonderful Obscure
British Car Humor page
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Links
Visit Trevor Bricey's wonderful
Obscure
British Car Humor page
KaleCo
Automotive A fictional car parts
website. A great place to get a new Muffler
Bearing or Hollow Spark Plug Wires
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