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Q: Know why the British don't make
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them
Q: What do you call an MG with dual
A: A Wheelbarrow!
Q: How do you double the value of a
A: Fill it up with gas!
Q: What's the difference between a
classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's
been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request
Q: What are the two questions you hear
most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot
Q: When does a man open the door of the
car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.
Webster's definition of Corvette: A
Spitfire on steroids.
Little Billy and his Dad were down at the
autocross watching the Spitfires zipping
through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad,
when I grow up, I want to be a Spitfire
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do
- Ree G.
For those of you who have never had the
pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know
what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till
dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights &
heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at
every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar
bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real
- Mike Nash
I pulled into a garage with my newly
purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you
got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to
- Kevin Cox
An GT6 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the
man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6
driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls
driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double
bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6,
parked on the side of the road with its back
windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The
arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls
and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to
know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged
the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned
at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower
to tell me that?"
My husband phoned me the other day and
proceeded to tell me he had purchased a new car for
me. Well I was not thrilled I wanted the new 4
door SUV. What kind is it I asked..... a Triumph
Spitfire a BRITISH car.... I've always
wanted one he exclaimed! Well I knew nothing of
these British cars. I love Coronation Street does
that help? No?
Well, family told me to be greatful, he only bought
it because he's going through a MID LIFE CRISIS.
"They either buy sports cars or trade the wife in
for a slimmer newer model." He got BOTH. We've had
the car now 4 days and I'm slimmer already...I've
had to push it home everytime we go out!
A man was driving down a country road in
the middle of dairy farm country when his car
stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the
hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the
field she had been grazing in over to the car and
stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After
a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks
like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back
into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had
just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister,
is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The
farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep,
that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my
car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a
bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head
and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't
know a thing about cars."
The Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard
his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
Five surgeons are taking a coffee
1st surgeon: "Accountaints are the best to operate
on because when you open them up, everything inside
2nd surgeon: "Nah, librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical
3rd surgeon: "Try electricians! Everything inside
THEM is color coded."
4th surgeon: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts
5th surgeon who has been quitely listening to the
conversation: "I like British car restorers... they
always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said
"help wanted." There was another sign below it that
said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made
myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid
myself. Then I quit.
-Stephen Wright (the comedian)
I have a map of the United States, life
size. One mile equals one mile. It's a b**** to
If Microsoft Built Cars...
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got
1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by
releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want
car that crashed twice a day?"
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road
you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway
for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause
your car to stop and fail and you would have to
re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a
time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But,
then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by
the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as
easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive
Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make
their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car default"
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?"
before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have
no idea what happened.
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear),
when working under your vehicle...especially in
From the Sydney Morning Hearld, Australia, comes
this story of a central west couple who drove their
car to their car break down in the parking lot. The
man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the there in the lot. The wife
returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of
male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underwear turned private parts into glaringly
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts
and tucked everything back into place. On regaining
her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches
in his head.
Should have had a Spit.
It was the night before Christmas and all
through the Narrows, not a creature was stirring,
not even the sparrows.
I was driving my freshly restored TR250 through a
dark mountain road in PA. I had just finished work
at 11:00 PM and was heading home to shower so I
could escort a young woman to midnight Mass. This
was going to be a first for me, (I'm not a
religious person) and didn't even know what Mass
It was a crisp clear winter night, the road was
dry, the heater was working fine and I was zipping
through the corners listening to an Elton John
tape, (Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me). I was well
aquainted with the road as I traveled it every day
to and from work. As I was rounding one of my
favorite turns, the rear of the TR began to slide,
(how cool, a controlled skid) I thought. Midway
through the corner something broke loose and the
rear started to kick out really fast. In an attempt
to control the skid, I was forced to allow the car
to drift towards left side of the road. Eventually
the car went up the side of a steep embankment. My
only concern was causing damage to my new paint
job. Unfortunately, the root structure of a large
tree on the steep embankment caused the car to flip
and become air-borne, landing on it's roof, bonnet,
trunk lid and my head, (the car had no roll bar). I
heard the sounds of breaking glass, screeching
metal and I felt my head rubbing hard on the road.
The car came to rest in the center of the road. As
my eyes became adjusted to the light of the dash
board instruments, (now directly on the road
surface), I could see the double yellow lines. I
was still in an awkward semi upside down position
with my right hand pinned between the steering
wheel and the road surface. I pulled hard to
release my hand from under the wheel and rotated
myself upright so I was sitting on the road, bent
over with my head against the seat bottom. I
remained calm for awhile, (I actually counted the
fingers on my right hand to check for any missing
digits). Suddenly I noticed that the road surface
appeared to be getting wet. It was gasoline, I had
just topped off the fuel tank after leaving work
and it was leaking out of the filler spout. Now I
was starting to panic. My first thought was to shut
down all power to prevent sparks. Ironically, the
engine was still running. For some reason I
couldn't find or reach the ignition key so I began
to jam the gear shift lever, (now mounted on the
celing), forcing the transmission into top gear.
The engine soon stalled. I quickly attempted to get
out of the driver's door but my door handle, (which
had broken the night before and was kept on top of
the dash) was nowhere to be found. I then thought
about going out through the plastic rear window, no
luck, the car was resting on the hood and trunk
lid. In my haste to exit, I grabbed the passenger's
door handle and the high quality pot metal broke
off the shaft. At this time the seat of my jeans
were becomming saturated with fuel. The instrument
lights were still on so I could see what appeared
to be a gap bewteen the road surface and the
passenger's door. The gap was created by the small
hump at the rear of the TR's door just above the
door handle. I managed to lay on the road and force
my hand through the gap and operated the outside
door release button. The door popped open without
any assistance. I quickly got out of the car and
stood upright, I was free. I reached back into the
car pulled out my tape and turned on the hazzard
light so as to warn any approaching vehicles.
I started to walk towards the nearest house, (about
1.5 miles). As I walked, I became aware that the
top of my head was very warm. I lightly touched the
top of my head with my hand. I could feel my head
bleeding but to what extent I wasn't sure. While
walking, thoughts entered my mind. "What if I pass
out from loss of blood". "Maybe I should run to
make faster time". "No stupid, the blood will flow
faster". After several minutes of sole searching
while walking at a brisk pace, I arrived at a
stranger's house. The house was well lighted inside
and out. Apparently they were celebrating the
season as many people were visable through the
windows. As I walked onto the lighted porch, I
could see my hands were covered in blood. So as not
to get blood on their door, I kicked it several
times with my foot. A young women came to answer
the door as if expecting additional guests. She
started the greeting, "Hi, come on i.....(very loud
scream), and ran away. Other people began
cautiously to peer around the open door. Some kind
person gave me a large towel and offered me a place
to rest. I asked to use the phone and called my
brother and asked him to come and get me. I made
one more call. I called my young women friend and
told her that I would be unable to escort her to
midnight Mass. I told her that someone saved my
life tonight and the sun didn't go down on me, I'd
As for the TR, some guy came by in a 4X4 and
thought it was his duty to push the TR off the road
over the low side of the embankment. The TR was a
total loss. The cause of accident was a result of
the right rear trailing arm. Upon investigation, I
discovered that there had been a partial crack in
the arm and it chose that particular night to break
away. And me, I went to the hospitial to have my
head examined and my hand wrapped. The doctor must
have left out some brains because within six weeks
I found this lovely B.R. Green Spit with a bad
crank, (but thats another story).
This is a true story about my weekend, a
weekend like most others 'cause it was dull, but
relaxing until I tried to make that four hour 240
mile drive back to school. Around mile 195 I
smelled something that smelled like gun powder, but
I didn't think anything about it, except that it
was strange. I kept driving and my eyes started
watering and I started coughing spastically. I
looked in my rearview mirror and the whole back of
my car was engulfed in smoke. I was horrified. I
immediately pulled over(nearly getting hit by a
semi) to see what was wrong. I traced the problem
to an area right behind the driver's seat between
the outer frame and the inner panel under the
window. I tried and tried to put it out but to no
avail. So finally I decided that I had to make a
break for it. I knew there were little towns strewn
all along this interstate so I drover my car which
was still on fire in excess of 100 miles an hour to
a town that was 5 miles away to find out that the
nearest gas station was 10 miles away.
I hit the off-ramp doing 85. I slide around a
stop sign and just about every other turn praying
that another car wouldn't be coming around that
same turn at the same time. I nearly hit two cars
on my way to the station. I get to the station and
one of the people that I almost hit decided to give
me a piece of his mind, when I explained to him
what the problem was, he was one of the first to
help me. I went inside to get a fire extinguisher
but that didn't help any. The guy proceeded to rip
apart my panel, which was mostly melted by now, to
find the fire. when he got the panel open he found
that there was foam down inside the panel
smoldering with red hot embers. He reached down
bare handed and yanked them out. How did it start
you might ask?
Well I went to light a cigarrette with the
lighter that comes installed in the car and some of
the cigarrette stuck to the lighter, this has
happened to me before, and I just put my arm
outside and beat it against the side of the car.
Somehow a spark came back inside and got deep
inside my car and made a nest. Needless to say I
have quit smoking. I told my dad about it and he
said, "Boy, we've been telling you for years that
smokin' a kill ya" I said "ya dad, but I was
thinkin' more along the long term." We both got a
good laugh out of it.
I was working a summer job in high school
at a carpet installation shop. Being the bottom of
the totem pole, I was the one who did the tasks
that others didn't want to, pulling up tile in
public restrooms, carrying wet carpet to the
dumpster, etc. (The job was my dad's idea. He
though having the worst job possible in high school
made going to college more appealing). Anyway, The
boss' car battery was low and he asked me to jump
it from the company van. The (older) guys in the
shop gave me that jumper cables and I proceeded to
jump it off. Smoke and fire everywhere!!! The cable
had a quick connect in the middle for what reason I
can't begin to imagine and the guys had switched
the connections. Catching the boss' car on fire is
not good!!! Lucky I put it out before it did much
more than melt the top of the battery.
- John Goethert
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a
pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a
cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane
crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally
figured out what it was and what happened. It seems
that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit
(Jet Assisted Take Off -- actually a solid fuel
rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off
from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the
desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.
(Not long enough.) Then he attached the JATO unit
to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired
off the JATO ! The facts as best as could be
determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala
hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established
by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at
The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing
the Chevy to reach a speed well in excess of 350
mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most
likely would have experienced G-forces usually
reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, basically causing him to become
insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before
the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber
marks on the road surface. He, then, became
airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacted
the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a
blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of
the driver's remains were not recoverable; however,
small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone
chards were removed from a piece of debris believed
to be a portion of the steering wheel.
NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'...
once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the
fuel is all gone.
- July newsletter (year ?) of the Oregon Region
from March 67 Sports Car
from Christian Science Monitor, artist's name is
For more cartoons, visit Dan's Spitfire
"Top Ten Reasons It's Time For A New
Convertible Top" (with apologies to Dave
#10. Calling your convertible a
"ragtop" is more reality than slang.
#9. You're cruising down the highway with the
wind in your hair and the warm sun on your
shoulders-- with THE TOP UP!
#8. You couldn't see or hear the police
cruiser--you know, the one with flashing lights
that's been behind you for the last 3 miles.
#7. The weather forecast inside your car is
at least as bad as that for the outside
#6. Your spouse is getting suspicious because
you keep a half dozen towels in your car.
#5. Your insurance company refuses to insure
you against pneumonia.
#4. You would order a new top, but you can't
tell what color the old one was.
#3. When it's raining, you avoid hitting the
brakes because the puddle under the seat soaks
your pant legs.
#2. Neighborhood cats won't walk on your top
for fear of falling through.
And the #1 reason it's time for a new top:
You're running out of duct tape!
Valentine's LBC Poem
Roses are red,
Spitfires are green.
Keep telling yourself,
It's just a machine!
-David F. Darby
You Might be a Redneck if...
you go to a Stockcar Race and don't
need a program.
less than half the cars you own run.
you know how many bales of hay your car will
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side
you have to recrank your car at every
you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with
your bare feet out of the car window.
you view duct tape as a long term
you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost
half your worldly possessions.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as
the front ones.
hitchhikers won't get into the car with you.
the front license plate on your car has the
words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
you buy a color-coordinated rope to down your
car hood (bonnet).
you think a Volvo is part of a woman's
you have grease under your toenails.
after removing the empty beer cans from your car
and you get 15 more miles per gallon.
after love making you have to ask your date to
roll down the window.
from Jeff Foxworthy's
comedy act. For those that don't know, a redneck
is an ignorant, country person
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If is wasn't for Triumph
Our tools would be rust.
bumper sticker: "All the parts falling
off this car are of the finest British
Rearranging the letters of 'British
Leyland' gives: Indelibly trash
TR = "Tools Required"
My Spitfire does not leak... it is just
marking its territory!
Some days you are the bug, some days you
are the windshield.
Why is the GT6's rear shaped like that?
So it can slide through hedgerows easier.
If one or more of these is true,
unfortunately, you are driving a Triumph
You look in your rear-view mirror to see two
people with their hands on your bumper.
You constantly receive sympathy cards from the
Department of Transportation.
When you are walking across the parking lot, you
see a priest performing last rights on your
While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists
offer to help push to get you started again.
You have preferred customer status at Pep Boys Auto
You have to stop along side the road at least once
a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill
on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone
will steal your car.
When you drive though town, people stop what they
are doing and just start laughing.
In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of
Since I live in America, and my Spitfire Mk. III is
right hand drive, it is one of my favorite past
times to drive down the highway, with a friend, and
when some one is behind us, I tell them to put
their hands up. Freaks 'em out every time!
Note: This is not a good thing to do in
front of a cop...
From Chris Bruce, Wellington, KS.
Now We Know: Why SUVs Have Four-Wheel
(a letter originally sent to Car Talk)
Dear Click and Clack,
The obvious purpose of a huge, powerful, sport
utility vehicle is to enable one person to commute
to work, with no passengers, and tailgate small
cars that are poking along the freeway at 75 miles
an hour. For a long time, I have wondered why this
function requires four-wheel drive. I think I have
the answer. As an SUV rolls over the crushed
carcass of a Toyota Tercel or Honda Civic sedan,
the high-gloss enamel used on these vehicles
presents an unsafe driving surface, jeopardizing
the safety of the SUV driver. To help overcome his
disadvantage, the SUV driver can slam that baby
into four-wheel drive and pray that one wheel is on
terra firma. Lobbyists no doubt prevent the
outright ban of sedans but can't consumer advocates
reduce the menace by pressing for the use of
high-traction paint on small cars? What do you
Thank you. Gilbert J. Simon, Milpitas,
Top 12 Things NOT to say to a Cop.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been goin' about 125 mph to
keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in surprisingly good
physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just
so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there are no other cars around. That's how far
ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officers says "Gee Son.... Your eyes
look red, have you been drinking?" You probably
shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?
Oil Changing Instructions
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and
leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for
oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand
cleaner and scented tree.
2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back
3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for
4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use
8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent
9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.
10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on
11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer
while oil is draining.
12. Look for oil filter wrench.
13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips
screwdriver and twist it off.
14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big
15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.
16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil
spilled during step 16.
18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.
20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket.
Install oil filter.
21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there
22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember
drain plug (step 10).
23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain
24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).
25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on
26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on
27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin
cussing fit. Throw wrench.
28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss
additional 10 minutes.
29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.
31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up.
Stuff old rag in hole.
32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush
one jack stand.
33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty
litter) to spill (step 22).
34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and
one quart of oil.
35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag
36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil
level on dipstick.
37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil
and a filter wrench.
38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm
on hot exhaust pipe.
39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another
quart of oil.
40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's
while driving back home.
41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil
filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock
up on beer while there since it's almost time for a
spark plug change.
Q: What's the difference between a
porcupine and a BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the
Q: Why do drivers education classes in
Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex
Ed class uses it.
Q: What makes men chase women they have
no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.
There are many mechanical devices designed to
increase the sexual arousal of a women. The best
being a Mercedes Benz 450 SL.
- anonymous sender
Visit Trevor Bricey's wonderful Obscure
British Car Humor page
Automotive A fictional auto parts website.
A great place to get a new Muffler Bearing or
Hollow Spark Plug Wires
If you would like to submit a joke or story to be
out the submission page
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